In the wake of the Scarlett Johansson nude photo dramarama, I wanted to share some tips with all of y’all about how to take a picture of your genitals and not end up on Fleshbot. Here we go:

1. Don’t send them to everyone
If you’re gonna take a picture of you, or your genitals: send it to one person and one person only. Don’t send out a blanket text to a variety of people with your bits in and a “How about it?” tagline. This should be like a special club that only a select few can enter. I’m not saying you can only send naked pics to one person ever, but one person at a time. The idea is that you send it to one person, who you’re relatively well involved with, and who will be pleased to see it. Random cock shots are never good.

2. Only send it to someone you are at least 85% sure won’t send them to anyone else.
Because let’s be honest, you can never be 100% sure. We all get into tangles with people who are a bit sketchy or a bit stupid, but we don’t have to be sending them pictures of our batties no matter how hard they beg. String them along with promises/protests of shyness if you have to, but if you can’t trust them with your key you can’t trust them with boob snaps.

3. For the love of God make sure you look nice and nothing weird is happening in the background.
The looking nice thing is obvious if you’re going to allow your face to be in the photo, natch, but the other seems to need a bit of explaining. So here it is: don’t take a picture in the bathroom if you haven’t flushed the loo, don’t take it outside and get photobombed, don’t have a baby, pet, pack of sanitary protection, cuddly toy, or loofah anywhere fucking near you. The last one’s just because I have a mortal fear of loofahs.

4.  Delete them from your phone, camera, computer, and email outbox.
Especially if you are going to be allowing someone else to use/repair these things. Ok so another person has a copy and obviously in the modern age that copy can be reproduced a thousand times but if you followed tip 2 then they’re probably going to just look, be like “Oh, sweet!” and then move on/reciprocate. And if they reciprocate and then leak your pics then you’ve got dirt on them too.

5. OWN IT
If you feel confident enough to send a picture of you licking your own nipple/knob to someone then fucking own that shit. Be a bad bitch and style it out if you get confronted with it unexpectedly. If your picture ends up doing the rounds, just chalk it up to experience, know that you are looking your best, and wait for the phone calls to roll in offering you decent sex from people who appreciate your finest assets. Then meet up with the person you sent the photos to, take a deep breath, and start screaming at them so loud their eardrums burst.

 

P.S If any of you have Tom Fords n00ds my email address is vanessa@nightmaresandboners.com thank-you.