What I Haven’t Learned In Two Years of Sex Blogging

Two years ago I was at Latitude Festival with Andrew Kendall. We were both working and therefore not drinking, I was also unknowingly coming down with Swine Flu, and so we spent a long time wandering round in the middle of the night talking. I wanted to start a blog, I wasn’t sure what to write about. My last blogs had just been rambling about my life in general and that wasn’t cutting it anymore. Did I want to talk about music? Put my fiction up? Maybe I should get into photography again. As we clambered a hill looking for some Red Bull, Andrew said something which was to change my life: “Why don’t you write about all the idiots you date?” and so I did.

It would be so wonderful to be able to say to you all that I’ve learned so much and that I’ve grown as a person. That you readers have helped me find true ever lasting love mixed with total filth. But I haven’t. And you didn’t. Instead let’s see what I haven’t learned in the last two years.

1. If an evening starts to go wrong, it will probably continue to go wrong, and get worse and worse, and then someone will pull out pina colada flavoured lube and then you’ll have that stuck in your gums for the next 12 hours.

2. People do not ever change. They don’t change if I ask them nicely. They don’t change if I squeeze my eyes shut and cross my fingers. They don’t change if I date them and try to get them to stop put their dicks in every clunge in a 2 mile radius. They only change when we break up and they date someone else. Do you reckon they might change if I pretended to like prog-rock again? Scrap that, I’m not willing to pretend I like prog for anyone. Sorry.

3. Having a crush on someone is ok. Checking their Facebook and Twitter multiple times a day, then reading deep stuff into everything they post is not acceptable. Neither is meeting someone once, falling in crush with them, ODing on their social media prescences, and then falling out of crush with them because they like Strictly Come Dancing, and consequently being really rude to them the next time you see them.

4. Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream may not be a song which is suited to all occasions despite what you think at 4am when you are drunk. Or 2pm when you are sober.

5. Despite it being an unalienable fact that people who toast their bagels are the wrong sorts of people, I may want to try and be a little more tolerant of alternative lifestyles and admit that these people may occasionally have valid points to make about life. However they will never be my one true love.

This evening I’m off to the Cosmo Blog Awards, something I wouldn’t be able to do without all of you amazing readers voting for me, so thank-you! And here’s to another two years!