You look intelligent but your writing is pretty dumb. Your second photo doesn’t look too bad. Are your lips real? You look utterly fuckable. Want to swap dirty pics? Are you down to fuck? No, these aren’t the ramblings of a madman, or a drunk guy at 3am, but some the messages I have received since reactivating my dating profile earlier this month. On the rare occasions I’ve clicked through to these charmer’s profiles, out of morbid curiosity, these people have seemed to be well rounded individuals with hobbies and jobs. They have photos which contain people I assume are their friends or exes, and yet, this is the way they decide to start a conversation. The scariest thing is, these aren’t the exceptions, these make up about 80% of the messages I receive. 10% are total nonsense, 5% are either people inviting me to their band’s show/latest exhibition as if this is Facebook, and the final 5% are well composed messages from decent well meaning people.
As someone who hates whining, I thought rather than sitting back and being a silent part of the problem, I would be part of the solution. And so here we have an easy peasy guide to sending the first message on a dating site, and hopefully getting a response. I say hopefully because you know I really can’t guarantee that, sorry!
1. Read their fucking profile!
Your first message should show that you made an effort to learn something about them. That you took 3 minutes out of your furious fapping to stop and see whether they’re a reader, a Muslim, a burlesque performer, a vegan, or all four. Notice what kind of tone their writing takes: is it playful or serious? Are they looking for a fling or a life partner? Finally think to yourself: now looked at all their photos, read their profile and put both hands on the keyboard, do I want to message this person? Think hard, friend. Think hard.
2. Pick one interesting point from their profile and ask them a pertinent question about it.
Hell, share an anecdote if it’s relevant and interesting! Just show an interest in something they deemed important enough to type into a text box and share with a bunch of horny/lonely strangers. It makes you look like you care and everyone loves people who care. If you choose something beyond the first paragraph you get extra points for the effort you put in. The question is really just there to help them reply without feeling awkward. Remember asking questions like “You’re a girl and you like comics?” or “Why do you eat meat? Don’t you realise how cruel it is?” is both rude and patronising. Do you want to date this person or get them to click the block button?
3. Compliments should be sparing and courteous.
Here’s an example of a good compliment: “Your profile was hilarious! I couldn’t stop giggling, and I’m so glad I’ve found another Jason King fan in this world!” Here’s an example of an inappropriate compliment: “You look like a filthy bitch who’d love a good spanking.”
Remember: this is a first email, not a comment shouted from a moving van.
4. This is not the time for ‘tips’ or criticism.
That girl with short hair doesn’t care if you think she’d look better with long hair. That guy who is wearing a jacket two sizes too big doesn’t want you to go Gok Wan on his ass. That cute girl who really hates Belle and Sebastian doesn’t want to hear about how you cried yourself to sleep listening to this every night for 4 years. And the Baptist stud doesn’t care that you think he’s an idiot for believing in God. No matter how wrong you think someone is, take a deep breath and move on. Your exclamation mark laced ‘humorous’ tirade is not going to change anyone’s mind.
5. Unless someone’s profile entirely revolves around sex and has photos of them in a state of undress do not proposition them.
There is nothing worse than someone treating you like an extension of their wank hand.
Read this, print it, laminate it, stick it next to your computer screen, and stop sending people messages that make you look like an asshat. Ok?
9 Comments
I love your blog – have lurked a little while.
I am not a fan of LOL.
If something made me laugh, I say that it was funny.
This entry was very funny! Love your work!
I can’t believe the lack of manners on the internet!
LAst night I followed this exactly to the letter when sending a bunch of messages to girls on OKC. Apart from one small addition of my own:
6. Get really, really wired.
It seems to have have worked pretty well, because out of 8 messages I sent, 6 have replied , and 3 have taken the initiative and included an invitation to go out on a date in their reply.
Thanks Vanessa! Your guidance has turned me from zero to hero.
Think I was doing internet dating totally wrong, I never got messages like these.. Am kind of jealous!
Still, I admire both you ladies for continuing to do it, long may the tales from it continue
Well said. I’m glad to see I’ve been doing alright, but now if I can just find a guy who call follow these simple suggestions.
Oh, you feel my pain so well on this front. I’d add ‘this may be a dating site, but it is not a Lonely Hearts column charged by the letter, so (since I hope to God you’re over 16) drop the txt speak and wacky abbreviations and speak to me clearly using full syllables.’ And additionally, do not end every paragraph with LOL. I’d prefer you didn’t use it at all, but like cologne, if you choose to use it, then use it sparingly.
And if someone is in the 5% that sends a message adhering to all these rules and you look at their photo and think ‘eek!’ or read their profile and want to emigrate, at least acknowledge the fact they thought you were hot/interesting/intriguing enough to bother with and decline politely. Be upfront and say ‘I don’t think we’d click because I’m not a vegan/don’t read comics etc’ or say “I’ve just starting seeing someone, but thanks.’ Bullet dodged and karma intact. Manners cost nothing…
I’m always scared to reply if I just don’t like them, because I worry I’ll be putting up their hopes even with a brush off (this has happened before), and I fear conflict like the plague. However you’re totally right, if you’ve put the effort in you should at least respond, it’s only polite!
Oh, I reply and then block them instantly. I learned that the hard way after explaing I prefer not to date men with kids (and this guy had three, by two women) and received a) a picture of his mop headed tykes threatening me not to find them cute and b) some strong insinuations that my uterus and I were deficient, damaged and deluded and destined to die alone.
I replied that interestingly none of his kids looked like him and blocked him. My uterus and I remain blissfully happy alone together.
Where I went wrong with dating sites was not realising that a lot of people (I don’t want to come across as sexist here – I’m sure there are guys who do it as well) create a profile not because they’re looking to meet anyone, but because they love the ego boost that they get from receiving messages.
Mind you, I met my missus on *Livejournal* – how wrong is that?
I met at least 2 of my exes on Livejournal so I think that is totally legit.
I know what you mean about the ego boost thing though, I know a guy who’s super good looking/has girls all over him, and really cocky, who’s dating profile is all “Woe is poor me! No-one loves me!” and he’s basically admitted it’s just to get nice reassurance from women that he’s still hot. Ugh.