A friend of mine is a nice guy, in fact I’d say he’s one of the most caring, thoughtful people I know. Spending time with him is always one the highlights of my week since he is as hilarious as he is lovely. When it comes to romance though, he’s a dick. For the last few years he’s been in an on off relationship with a girl who is crazy about him and yet who he couldn’t care less about. He doesn’t fancy her, will never call her his girlfriend, and doesn’t see any long term future for them. She on the other hand thinks the sun shines out of his arse, and evidently thinks if she keeps hanging around eventually he’ll realise how wonderful she is, and they’ll dance off into the sunset together.
I didn’t used to think that the way someone acted while they were in a relationship was any of my business. What they did or didn’t do with their partner was something I tried not to get involved with. In fact it wasn’t until I read the following quote from a Dr Phil column in last month’s Oprah magazine that the lightbulb went on over my head. “I have a friend who’s been looking for a job… a position opened up at my company and I recommended her… [however] recently I discovered she slept with our mutual friend’s boyfriend which makes her seem like an unethical person… What should I do?” At first I laughed, “What the hell does that have to do with their suitability to do a job?” But later I found myself returning to the piece, over and over again.
“I’d never judge someone for how they act in a relationship.” I told myself piously. Then I thought about my friend, and how I hadn’t seen him for months. Clicking around on Facebook I saw reference to their relationship and closed the browser window in a huff. Dr Phil’s moonface was staring at me next to my laptop. “Damnit.” I threw the magazine across the room, “Damnit, you’re right.”
No-one’s perfect in a relationship, everyone hurts someone’s feelings one way or another, I’m not a total idiot. But the people who’ve hurt me the most, the cheaters, the liars, the dick-er around-ers, have always turned out to be be asshats through and through. It takes a certain kind of person to go out and treat someone else like crap and feel only marginally guilty about it. Does that spill over into the rest of their life? How can it not?
For those of you pointing out that it is those without sin that can cast the first stone, obviously I am not innocent. I once dated a guy who had a girlfriend, I’ve slept with a married man, and on a less dramatic note I’ve broken up with the odd fling by just ignoring them, all things I think are despicable. So what makes me worthy of friendship? What if I were to tell you that I’ve changed? That I’ve realised the error of my ways? That since starting this blog and constantly evaluating my relationships and sex life I’ve realised there are a lot of negative habits I am guilty of. Like I said, no-one is perfect, least of all myself, but those people who don’t care, who won’t change, the serial cheaters and abusers among us, deserve to be friendless, regardless of how fun they are at parties.
Illustration from Hollyhocks and Tulips, photo of Courtney Love and Drew Barrymore from Nikki Lipstick
Blog Title from Bitches Leave by Be Your Own Pet
3 Comments
This was one of the biggest lightbulb moments of my life when I realised that the person I was friends with who behaved very badly towards those they dated (and their partners) was also treating me badly a friend. It gave me the oomph to stand up and walk away.
I’ve done things in my life I’m not especially enamoured of, but I think as long as you realised they weren’t good things, feel something about them and learn from them, then that’s the best you can do. It’s when you seek them out again and again or don’t even notice that you’re hurting people, then there are problems.
And by the way? I think you’re a great friend. A few flaws make people much more interesting and anyway what would you and I talk about if we weren’t being introspective and learning from our pasts?
The fact that we do some not so good stuff does not mean we are bad or unethical people. As long as we learn from it…..blah blah blah.
Both your friend and his limpet should grow some balls.
He could do with saying “I don’t fancy you” and refuse when she comes in to sleep with him. She needs a good friend to say to her “he just ain’t into you, stop wasting your time” and be prepared to walk away.
Having just come out of a marriage, I am new to the whole dating thing but what I have learned is that plenty of men will dick you around, keep you hanging in the hope that somebody better will come along. I find I have to be prepared to walk away from it at any time, before they get too deep under my skin.
I wish you’d have written this piece some time ago..
Concur absolutely. I’m actually amazed people who act like this have any friends at all
Anyone who is able to treat another like dirt and not feel guilty is not a person is want in my life in any capacity. It’s a shame it takes many tears, a lot of hurt and upset to actually realise this.