Author Archives: vanessa

The Tyranny of The Text Message

By vanessa | Published: February 8, 2012

“Well, actually, of course, a telephone is a fantastically rude thing. I mean, it’s like going, [banging rhythmically on desk] “Speak to me now, speak to me now, speak to me now!” You know. If you went into someone’s office and banged on their desk and said, “I will make a noise until you speak [...]

Posted in Relationships | 8 Comments

Hide And Go Seek

By vanessa | Published: February 2, 2012

Picture the scene: you’re alone in a room that isn’t your own. You know that you have 20 or so minutes entirely to yourself. A computer is open in front of you. There are notebooks and scraps of paper everywhere. There are drawers and cupboards begging to be opened. What do you do? What I [...]

Posted in Dates, Not So Sexy Times | Leave a comment

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Porn (And My Own Body)

By vanessa | Published: January 27, 2012

The first time I watched porn I was twelve. It was a grainy video of some German couples in lingerie and during the extended closeups of their genitalia I remember thinking it looked like lunch meat. Being twelve years old I did not masturbate during the videos, I had no fucking idea how. Instead I [...]

Posted in Outfits | 2 Comments

Ten Stupid Things I’ve Done To Try And Get Someone To Go Out With Me

By vanessa | Published: January 10, 2012

10. Pretended I liked Cro-Mags 9. Was told by a minor celebrity that they fancied my date. Later in the evening told my date that the reason minor celebrity was staring at him was because she thought he was noisy and obnoxious. 8. Pretended I wasn’t scared of fish, until I broke down and cried [...]

Posted in Not So Sexy Times | 7 Comments

Solar Powered Hijinks

By vanessa | Published: December 21, 2011

Those of you who’ve used vibrators will be aware that there is what I term a ‘burn your clit off’ setting on each one. Most of the time this is a last resort option, an “I’ve been going at this for over half an hour” option, or the “I’m on drugs and need to kick [...]

Posted in Review | 3 Comments

Take A Hint: Bitches Leave

By vanessa | Published: December 14, 2011

A friend of mine is a nice guy, in fact I’d say he’s one of the most caring, thoughtful people I know. Spending time with him is always one the highlights of my week since he is as hilarious as he is lovely. When it comes to romance though, he’s a dick. For the last [...]

Posted in Questions | 3 Comments

I Would Die 4 U or How To Send a Message On A Dating Site

By vanessa | Published: December 7, 2011

You look intelligent but your writing is pretty dumb. Your second photo doesn’t look too bad. Are your lips real? You look utterly fuckable. Want to swap dirty pics? Are you down to fuck? No, these aren’t the ramblings of a madman, or a drunk guy at 3am, but some the messages I have received since reactivating my dating profile [...]

Posted in Online Dating | 9 Comments

How To Ruin Your Favourite Buzzband

By vanessa | Published: December 5, 2011

A few summers ago I got super into that drone thing. I bought a tie-dye dress, spent most of my time listening to Pocahaunted, and got stoned way way too often. Sadly, no-one I knew really got into the whole drone thing. I tried, I really tried! But no matter how many times I played [...]

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

It’s Like My Heart Is Getting Hard

By vanessa | Published: December 2, 2011

Only a few weeks ago I was talking about how awesome it is to date a handful of people at once. I extolled the virtues of flitting from one tangle to another, and now here I am, about to tell you all that, well, I’m not dating anyone. I’m not fucking anyone. I haven’t even [...]

Posted in Relationships | 3 Comments

Adventures in Contraception

By vanessa | Published: November 29, 2011

As a teenager I had bad skin. Not just bad, but “What the hell is up with that girl, is she ill?” bad. I tried everything from drinking 3l of water a day, through smearing perfume on my face, to Chinese herbal medicine. Nothing seemed to work and being a vain teenager I was becoming [...]

Posted in Advice | 5 Comments