Nightmares & Boners » Celebrities

Dead Hunks: The Sequel

vanessa — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 12:52:07 +0000

When you think about your dream date are they someone you know? Someone you can imagine meeting in the next few years? Do they live nearby? Do you think they’re real? If you’re me the answer to all of these questions is a resounding no. As I’ve said before, most of my crushes sadly fall into the ‘very dead’ or ‘very very old’ category. However, I’d like to think there are qualities that they have which can be applied to this mythical dream person who exists somewhere in the world (maybe).

Let’s check out my dream crushes and what their strengths and weaknesses are, shall we?

Orson Welles
Pros: wildly successful, driven, an stare so intense it could open tin cans
Cons: blacked up to play Othello, possibly a little single minded, not great at monogamy

Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor (I can’t decide who I fancy more, sorry)
Pros: more blindly beautiful than staring at the blazing sun, way too talented, worked well together
Cons: tiny problem with drinking, got married and divorced twice, really into tanning

Claudia Cardinale
Pros: did you look at the picture?
Cons: I know nothing about her personality

Serge Gainsbourg
Pros: How many times do I have to say it? He is amazing. Mind blowingly amazing. Sexy, gorgeous, smart, funny, caring, sexy, talented, creative, sexy, French!, well dressed, grew into his face really well, and did I mention sexy?
Cons: may have had a wee drink problem, bit of a philanderer, made that reggae album

What have we learned? That I like them dead, pissed, cheating, and possibly slightly megalomanical. Sounds good no? Who are your top 3 dead crushes and why? Do you think they say anything about you? Answers on a postcard (or in the comments box) please!

Photos from Devenir Gris and the wonder of Google Image Search.

Dead Hunks

vanessa — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 16:31:02 +0000

Dead idols are the best idols. You can dream about how great they were, gloss over the bad bits, and see them forever perserved in a rose tinted eternal youth.

My personal favourite is Rock Hudson. He was a stone-cold super fox, insanely tall, and sadly for me, gay. Obsessed as I am with his and Doris Day’s work together one of the highlights of every film is the inevitable topless shot of Rock getting dressed/stepping out of the shower/going swimming. Fanservice it may have been but who’s complaining?

Sadly Rock and Doris only made 3 films together, and Send Me No Flowers the last, is not exactly a golden era classic. In fact unless you dream of starring in your own Doris Day, Tony Randall, Rock Hudson sandwich then leave it be.

Now, just so I don’t feel like a freak: who are your top dead hunks?

HBIC: Stranger Than Fiction?

vanessa — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 13:21:45 +0000

While last week we looked back at the past this time we look sideways in reality and at what could be, rather than what is.

Arthur Dent and Trillian (Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy)
So they don’t make sweet sweet music in the film, and their relationship in the books is more complicated than a tax return form, Arthur and Trillian deserve to be up there in the totally sweet couple hall of fame. Maybe Zooey has melted my brain but I love the idea of a bubbly, beautiful astrophysicist flying through the universe and hand in hand with a man in a dressing gown wielding a towel.

Fry and Leela (Futurama)
Why does Leela love Fry? I don’t know: he’s an idiot who can barely count higher than ten. Why does Fry love Leela? Who the hell doesn’t love Leela?

Sawyer and Juliet (Lost)
It hurts me to type this but god they were the best couple ever. You fucked me over Lost, you really did, you stole my life, made me get up early in the morning to watch pirated episodes covered in Turkish subtitles, and you let me DOWN, but you gave me these two, and that almost makes it worthwhile.

Jessica and Hoyt (True Blood)
THEY ARE SO FREAKING CUTE. WHY ARE THEY SO CUTE? WHY CAN’T THEY BE REAL? WHY DO THEY MAKE ME WANT TO SHOUT ALL THE TIME?

Trent and Daria (Daria)
Trent + Daria = Everything that is right with the world and more specifically with the 90s

HBIC Go Back In Time

vanessa — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 13:53:06 +0000

This week I thought we could slip back in time and forget about the summer slowly drifting away, and instead focus on some stellar couples from the past. Everything was better in the past, men had manners, women wore restrictive garments, civil rights were non-existent, rubbish could be gleefully thrown on the ground, and legally you could beat a child to within an inch of it’s life. Good times….

Bobby Darin, Connie Francis, and Ed Sullivan squeezing in on the act.
While they were only a couple very briefly, and Darin went on to marry the amazing Sandra Dee, there is something about this Italian-American couple that makes me wish they’d stuck it out; after all Francis later said that breaking up with Darin was the biggest regret of her life.
A video of their smashing Ed Sullivan performance can be found here.

Sylvie Vartan and Johnny Hallyday
Sylvie Vartan is cool enough to make up for what appears to be a tasseled snakeskin t-shirt and a mullet. Shame on you Johnny, shame on you.
If you think you would like the look of them more if they were a bit less 70s and a bit more chic, or have ever wondered what French rock-a-billy would sound like then go here.

Bebe Buell and Stiv Bator
I have no idea if these two lasted a kiss, a night, or ten years, but anyone the girl crowned 1974′s Miss November got involved with was a stone cold super fox. Except Todd Rundgren.

Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor
If I could step into this photo now and take Elizabeth Taylor’s place I’d die happy.

Johnny Thunders and Sable Starr
Possibly the most underrated but awesome groupie of all time Sable Starr was Thunders’ main squeeze. However this picture is simply a not so subtle excuse to tell you all about how Sable once dyed her pubes green and floated on her back in a pool trying to coerce people into sleeping with her. It may or may not have worked, that part was never quite clear.

HBIC on the move!

vanessa — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:06:07 +0000

While the weather has been patchy in London in Celebville it’s been sun, sea, sand and hopefully sangria! Let’s see who’s snogging who shall we?

Jude Law and Sienna Miller getting frisky on holiday.
Ok so Jude was/is a skeezy cheater and that’s a terrible, terrible thing, but the look at them now they’re back together! SO EFFING HOT!

Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy.
Even though Muse are worse than listening to someone take a shit in the cubicle next to me, the fact that Bellamy is in a relationship with serial shagger Hudson is fucking bizarre. What do they talk about? Where do they go? Why do I care?

Jason Trawick and Britney Spears.
Look how 100% ordinary they are! It’s perfect!

Above: Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake
Below: Russell Brand and Katy Perry
As an avid cyclist seeing couples on bikes makes me so excited and gooey inside. Also I used to have an enormous crush on Timberlake and I’m sure I once kissed a poster of him goodnight. Ahem.

Oh celebs, I wish we could all be as loved up and beautiful as you!

HBIC in the sun.

vanessa — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 13:54:08 +0000

The glorious sunshine has brought celebs out of their houses and into the sunshine for us to gawp and coo at. Yay!

Anne Hathaway and Adam Shulman in a town, somewhere, who knows, probably in California, kissing.

Rick Fox and Eliza Dushku (who can do no wrong in my eyes) after competing in a triathlon. They even held hands for part of it!

Freja Beha and Abbey Lee Kershaw shooting the new Chanel campaign. If these two are really really going out then my heart might explode with joy.

This is so adorbs, I want to hop on the back and go with Pink and her husband Carey Hart, wherever they’re going, I really don’t care.

If this sort of cuteness carries on from Spring to Summer I think I might have to go into hibernation early!

Pictures from ONTD and Jezebel.

HBIC and their backups

vanessa — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 17:36:20 +0000

Height differences, marauding children, and TERRIFYING CHILDHOOD NIGHTMARES are on the menu this week so get ready to squee and SCREAM!

Hayden Panattiere and Wladimir Klitschko (just don’t look at her fake bake, ok?)

Russell Brand and Katy Perry (the couple that gets shakes from Maccy D’s together stays together?)

Reece Witherspoon, Jim Toth, and an umbrella wielding child.

Claudia Schiffer and Matthew Vaughn at the Kick-Ass premiere. Amazing dress for a pregnant lady, I love it!

Ice T and the amazing Coco at the Why Did I Get Married Too? premiere.

Eliza Dushku and Ronald MacDonald… wait WTF? GET AWAY ECHO! HE’S NOT WHAT HE SEEMS!

Pictures from ONTD, Starpulse, and Jezebel

HBIC and co!

vanessa — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 09:18:05 +0000

Happy Wednesday! Here are some super cute couples being, well, super cute! Ready? Set? START SQUEEING!!

Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton (wearing his newly awarded Officer of the Order of Arts and Letters pin)

Swizz Beatz and Alicia Keys at the Gotham Magazine annual gala

I have to tell you how much I love Swizz’s twitter. It is a constant source of amusement.

Alexander Skarsgård and Kate Bosworth in LA

Ok so it’s a rumour, but I can’t decide if I’m heartbroken, or really pleased….

Oh the adorableness!! I think I’m going to have to have a cup of tea to calm down now.

I’m Just Way Too Into You.

vanessa — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 19:25:38 +0000

Is it strange to be in crush with not just a celebrity but a celebrity couple? As much as I love love love Drew Barrymore, to the point where I own the autobiography she wrote as a teen I think I actually love her more when she’s dating Justin Long. Something about the completely unabashed way they are together makes me grin childishly everytime I see a picture of them, and so it was with great pleasure I read that they were back together (again). So many celebrity couples, and normal ones too(!), seem to look so bored when they are with each other, or just like they are putting on a show for people around them but these two look so bloody in love that I want to reach into my computer screen and give their cheeks a big old pinch.

Here are some gratuitous images of them being adorable together:

Do you have a celebrity couple crush? Or is it just me and my sentimental heart?