Apparently somewhere in the world there are men who like their women to be virgins. Though I’ve never met any of these men myself, I can in a way see their reasoning. When you date someone they bring their whole world with them, a cavalcade of one night stands, drunken fumbles, and obsessive crushes, not to mention the dreaded ex. Maybe you don’t mind and you’re better at living in the moment than I, but I often lie alone at night next to the poor buggers I go out with, thinking about all the people who’ve come before me and everyone who will probably come after me.

Is it better to have been proceeded by ugly or plain people? Bores with lank hair and vacant gazes? Or should you be at the end of a line of sculptural beauties? Are either of these things good? Never has the phrase ‘between a rock and a hard place’ been more appropriate. Surely with the former it means that you too are a dullard, and with the latter that you’re doomed to spend the rest of your life trying to compete? Much like no-one could ever live up to the glory of Elizabeth Taylor for Richard Burton, how can I ever live up to the memory of his part-time acrobat, full time model slash philanthropist girlfriend? HOW?

The utter delicious irony of this obsession with everyone else’s dating history is that I despise mine being raked over. Sure I’m happy to talk about it, even with people I’m seeing, but if they start to compare and judge I go batshit crazy. Recently a man said to me “What’s the matter? Did your ex have a small cock?” Words can’t even begin to explain how badly that went down. However even when people are less freaking shitty (seriously mate: go fuck yourself next time yeah?) I can’t handle my dating past being subject to scrutiny. It pains me to admit this but I frequently give my partners a fairly edited picture of my past. One night stands turn into flings, flings turn into relationships, and somehow relationships get downgraded into ‘this guy I was seeing for a bit, you know’. Lovebites and nail marks get explained away with tales of falling from bikes and mishaps with the cat.

Having been burned before I just don’t want to lay it all out on the line because there is a strong chance that once someone finds out about my gung-ho attitude to dating they will freak out and promptly dump me, or worse just stop returning my calls. Then again, I feel shitty about lying. Of course I should just be totally honest. That’s a given. And yeah, yeah, I know that anyone who’s stupid enough to judge me by some outdated moral code isn’t worth my time but it seems that 90% of people operate on dating rules that were out of fashion in the fucking 50s. Then again this just backs up my theory that most people aren’t worth my fucking time.

The double standard I ask people to accept is ludicrous: you must feel comfortable with the roving band of people in my past, and I must never ever hear about anyone you did anything more than hold hands with. Strangely I don’t think of myself as jealous. I could never be the girl who stops her boyfriend from speaking to someone, or stands possessively close in bars shooting lasers out of her eyes at any woman in a 2m radius. Thinking of myself as ‘not the jealous type’ I now realise is freaking ludicrous.

I think, in an ideal world, I would like to go out with someone who had had a varied, chequered, and filthy, dating history, and in a strange twist of fate, all the people they’d tangled with had mysteriously died. That would be bloody perfect.

Dating two, three, or four, or more, people at once is not for the faint hearted. Skittering from date to date with an ever-changing cast of hotties will take all your skills to keep things from spiraling out of control. So take a deep breath and read on…

The key to multiple dating is honesty. While you and I both know you’re going to make each lucky man feel as special as a first born baby, you need to let each of them know they are not alone. It’s just the done thing. Some douches will run to the hills calling you a hussy, but the smart ones will breathe a sigh of relief knowing they’re not your only source of entertainment.

As for attempting to split your time evenly between each beau, well – it’s impossible and unnecessary. There are some people you will want to see once a month and others twice a week so don’t feel guilty about having favourites. Everyone has their purpose, you included, and whether that’s a geeking out over Paul Pope or a sweet sweet arse to tap, it’s a valid one.

There are some downers to dating multiple people at once and one is the immense amount of organisation it requires. Although your menfriends know they’re not alone it’s unlikely they’ll want to bump into each other while you’re around.

This is where your super organized side comes in: date boys from different parts of town, colour-code your diary, and vary what you do and where. If on the crazy off chance you do cross paths take a deep breath, smile, and try to think what Joan Holloway would do. And that would not be stand frozen in time, smiling awkwardly.

Speaking of awkwardness, sometimes four need to become one. While I’m sure everyone you’re sticking it to (or not) is a smart, sensitive, mega hunk, some are bound to be hotter and brighter than the others and so at some point you may find yourself wanting to become a one man woman. Whatever you do, do not ditch the others without a backward glance. No matter how little you cared for them they are people with real feelings and they deserve a little courtesy. Oh and FYI? Finding out they’re no longer in the running via Facebook doesn’t count. Be a woman not a coward! The guilt and weeks of weepy 4am phone calls should be deterrent enough.

But hey, it’s all fair game, and once you all know the rules you can all play along happily. So whether you’re getting on, or off, the honky-tonk merry-go-round remember: be honest, plan ahead, and keep it casual. The world is your oyster so go ahead and shuck it!

Kissing photo by Terry Richardson, Photo of Brigitte Bardot & Jane Birkin by unknown.