Category Archives: Sexy Times

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

By vanessa | Published: November 16, 2011

When I was 12 I discovered masturbation. Even at such a young, innocent, age, my fantasies were both slightly perverted and totally hackneyed. I was a naughty, naughty, girl, and my teacher wanted to punish me for not handing in my schoolwork on time. Irony is, I was a very naughty girl at school who’s [...]

Also posted in Marital Aids | Leave a comment

How To Send Someone A Naked Picture Of Yourself And Not Regret It

By vanessa | Published: September 15, 2011

In the wake of the ScarJo n00ds dramarama, I wanted to share some tips with all of y’all about how to take a picture of your genitals and not end up on Fleshbot. Here we go: 1. Don’t send them to everyone If you’re gonna take a picture of you, or your genitals: send it to one [...]

Also posted in Advice | 3 Comments

Love, You’re A Whore

By vanessa | Published: September 10, 2011

Maddalena: I love you Marcello. I want to be your wife. Be faithful. I want it all: to be your wife, and enjoy myself like a whore. Marcello: Tonight, I don’t know why, I felt like I loved you, like I needed you. Maddalena: Really? Marcello: Really. I’m not sure if you’re being serious tonight, or playing games with [...]

Also posted in Meeting People, Relationships | Leave a comment

HAPPY YOU DIDN’T GET YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE PREGNANT DAY!

By vanessa | Published: August 15, 2011

My extended family is huge: I have approximately 20 cousins, a dozen or second cousins (or cousins once removed for all you pedants), and then some other relatives like my mother’s cousin’s daughter’s kid, and that guy who’s not really my uncle but I call him uncle, and the kid of my cousin’s husband from [...]

Also posted in Babies, Marital Aids, STIs | 8 Comments

When I Think About You I Touch Myself

By vanessa | Published: August 6, 2011

Although I’ve been reassured over and over again by the internet and various male friends, I can’t help but feel there’s something a bit odd about thinking of someone you know when you masturbate. Obviously there are scales of strangeness: thinking of your parents is very very wrong, thinking of your boss is debatable, and [...]

Posted in Sexy Times | 1 Comment

I Kissed A Girl And I Fucking Loved It

By vanessa | Published: August 1, 2011

At the age of 17 I walked into my local Wetherspoons, sat down next to my friends, put my hands down on the table, took a deep breath, and said “I need to tell you all something.” They went silent. I took another deep breath, “I’m bi.” There was a pause. Then another pause. Then [...]

Also posted in Relationships | Leave a comment

Some Thoughts Upon Watching Pornography At 1am

By vanessa | Published: July 28, 2011

A few days ago it was 1am and I couldn’t sleep, so having exhausted all my usual options, I decided to watch some porn. I also decided to ‘liveblog the experience’. However, thankfully, between the tonsillitis, some cortisone shots in my hip making me unable to move, and a magical cocktail of painkillers and antibiotics [...]

Also posted in Not So Sexy Times | 5 Comments

Sometimes I Don’t Have Bad Sex

By vanessa | Published: July 25, 2011

You’re probably reading the title thinking, “Yeah right!” because 99% of the things I’ve written are all “Wah wah wah my vagina is dry. Wah wah wah I hate flavoured lube.”. Thing is it’s way easier to moan about the shit bits than to wax lyrical about all the good bits. I mean what’s funnier: [...]

Posted in Sexy Times | 4 Comments

You’ll Never Miss The Water (Until The Well’s Gone Dry)

By vanessa | Published: July 22, 2011

Let me set the scene: it’s two weeks ago and I was having a C- grade make out session with a man. The making out seemed rote, almost perfunctory, there was a sense of urgency that seemed impersonal. So as I found myself on my bed, half in, half out of my clothes, legs caught [...]

Also posted in Not So Sexy Times | 1 Comment

Sexy Is Not For Everyone.

By vanessa | Published: April 10, 2011

Recently in Glamour magazine a hundred or so men were polled as to what they liked to see women wearing. Obviously the answer to this quandary is “Who fucking cares? I’ll wear what the fuck I want.” however Glamour were desperate to fill space and deemed this group of anonymous men’s opinions worthy of a [...]

Also posted in Advice, Fashion, Outfits | 4 Comments