My extended family is huge: I have approximately 20 cousins, a dozen or second cousins (or cousins once removed for all you pedants), and then some other relatives like my mother’s cousin’s daughter’s kid, and that guy who’s not really my uncle but I call him uncle, and the kid of my cousin’s husband from his first wife’s kid. At least half of my cousins have had a baby when, to put it politely it might not have been a great idea. You know what I mean: they got pregnant and the guy flipped out, called her a whore, and then left her, never paying child support again. Or they got knocked up when they were dirt poor and now are working ten jobs and resentful of their child. Or they knocked up someone after two months of dating and were surprised when the relationship didn’t last forever ever.

Now I get it, pregnancies can happen when you least expect them and are extremely unprepared for them. However there is always another option, aka abortion. Because if you really really don’t want a baby you don’t have to have one. The end. However if you decide despite all the not so good elements in your life that you want to have one, then good luck to you. I think you might be a bit mental, but hey, someone’s got to have kids and I guess as they say there’s no right time to have one. But this blog post isn’t about you lot who’ve decided to spawn, it’s about us who haven’t.

Parenting is fucking hard, no two ways about it, but you know what else is hard? Not getting pregnant. At first it seems easy: condoms. But then there’s that whole thing that they suck and are fiddly and they chafe sometimes, and I believe they can be uncomfortable for the person with the penis, and anyway they’re not 100% reliable with a ‘typical failure rate’ of 15%. FIFTEEN PERCENT. Are you freaking out yet? Because I am. So you think I’ll back this shit up, I’ll use hormonal birth control, because drenching my body in synthetic hormones is fun fun fun, and that’s something I feel happy and safe about doing.

So you try the pill, but the first one you take makes your boobs swell till they’re 4 cup sizes bigger and so tender just breathing hurts. The second pill gives you spots so bad they’re inside your freaking nose. The third give you ‘breakthrough bleeding’ for month: aka you bleed, like your period, for an entire fucking month. Yeah that’s right, a whole fucking month. What’s the fucking point of that? I mean it’s not like you’re going to be having any sex when that’s happening so you might as well just not be on the pill at all.

And so you think about the coil (it seems kinda scary and painful, though some people say it’s fine), the injection (your mum grew a ‘tache), and the implant (your mate ended up in hospital after an allergic reaction). Promptly you consider celibacy but what with having urges and a partner, that seems kind of redundant, so you just use a condom, or the pill, or a sponge, or a femidom, wait, have you ever used a female condom because if so: I want to know about it, they seem, well…. odd? Like they would rustle or be strange or noisy or you know: just confusing. But anyway, you find a method and you stick to it and you cross your fingers each month and pray that you’re not up the duff and what do you get? Where are your congratulations cards? Where’s your moment at the family function when someone says “I’m so proud of you”?

Until now, there was none. You were languishing away in smoker’s corner, even if you don’t smoke, and feeling resentful. But no more. I proclaim today and every 15th of August from now, on HAPPY YOU DIDN’T GET YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE PREGNANT DAY! It’s a little cumbersome, but you’ll get used to it. Send a friend a card and tell them how proud you are of them successfully navigating this treacherous maze of contraception and lust. Thank a childless friend for not popping another baby out onto an already overpopulated planet. Or just hug your boyfriend and blow all the cash you would have spent on nappies and teething gel on getting proper wrecked and doing karaoke. Those of you with babies get all the credit, and you’re welcome to most of it, but it’s time to start sharing, because damnit, it’s time we non-breeders got some of the cake and bunting too.

Still from A Slightly Pregnant Man and photo by Dash Snow

Ever since I can remember I have been scared of fish, molluscs, sponges, and basically anything that lives in the sea. I am also scared of people who have really wiry beards. While we’re not here to talk about all my many and varied phobias (rapid motion photography, being touched by a stranger’s hair, photos of bacteria, etc etc) we are here to talk about STIs and whenever I hear about someone catching crabs I imagine their pubes looking like something out of More Joy of Sex, crawling with tiny crustaceans, and then I have to be sick.

Obviously crab lice aren’t crabs they’re just lice that look a lot like crabs, and they don’t just have to live in your pubes, they can also live in your eyelashes. That is the first fucking thing wiki told me. Does it want me never to have sex again? Crabs in your genital area will look like nits, however unlike nits no-one will tell you “They only like to live in really clean places you know?” and instead will gag and wretch when you say you have them. Unless you’re at a sexual health clinic, then they’ll probably be really nice and smile and nod. There are two ways to get rid of them: chemicals and shaving all your pubes off. The latter could even lead to you getting more sex as I hear some people are into that, but most of the time it just leads to ingrown hairs and more scratching…

While crabs are gross and deserve to die a chemical death asap, they don’t do anything terrible to you in the long run, and aren’t preventable unless you turn all the lights on and have a good check before you get down to it which would be a bit of a romance killer. So you, me, and the rest of the world, are going to have to get to grips with the idea that our nether regions may, at some point, be home to a band of merry wandering parasites looking for a good home and deal with it with dignity. Unlike my friend John who once bellowed at me in the street “Have you ever had crabs? Willow gave me them and they’re making my sack itch like fuck!”

Wikipedia article on crabs, photo from Spongebob Squarepants.

1. Always wear a condom.
Like duh. Duh duh and OHMYGOD DUH. There are so many freaking things that can infect, inhabit, and eat away at your genitals that it’s just not worth taking a chance. Also, if you get a scary sore on your genitals go get it checked! Alexi Wasser’s awesome blog reminded me of this recently and it is so so true. Who cares if it turns out to be an ingrown hair? Better that than ignore it till your lymph nodes start exploding out of your skin.

2. Don’t take a rock-a-billy guy home. Ever.*
Pomade is really hard to get off bed linen.

3. You are better than that shit.
Sometimes ‘that shit’ is the douchebag you’re with, the insane behaviour you’re exhibiting, or the shitty job you’re in; whichever it is you’re better than that! Think about it! Putting up with a ‘alright’ or downright cruddy life, or partner, means that you are saying that you’re not worth any more. Don’t you deserve to live your best life now? (I love you Oprah!) Aren’t you the most amazing person you know? Why not? Everyone has ugly bits of their body, have you ever seen Megan Fox’s thumb? Everyone is an annoying, nagging shrew sometimes, it’s ok! Flaws are what make us adorable! I hate to go all summer of 69 on you all but seriously you are amazing. Maybe you’re not all amazing all the time but it’s like Dr Manhattan says: “Millions upon millions of cells compete to create life for generation after generation until… against unfathomable odds it’s you, only you, that emerged to distil so specific a form from all that chaos. It’s like turning air into gold.”

4. Revenge is neither satisfying nor dignified.
One of the all time lows in my life was having a friend wrestle me to the floor to take my phone away while I screamed profanities into it. This was after an ex made the mistake of leaving me an abusive voicemail then not picking up when I called him back. The message I left him? I don’t even want to think about what it said but it definitely involved the words ‘fuck you you fucking motherfucker I will cut your head off and spit down your neck if you ever call me again’. It didn’t make me feel any better by the way, I just felt depressed that I’d let him get to me, and annoyed I’d recorded something so utterly mortifying.

5. When times get bad sing Jennifer Juniper to yourself.
It’s better than valium I swear.

Photo by Matthew Feyld. *Advice by Money For Jam

Ah syphilis! Catch this and you’ll be in the company of Baudelaire, Wilde, Hitler, Nietzsche, and my number one historical hunk Beau Brummell. Easily treated, but difficult to spot, syphilis is often mistaken for dozens of other ailments, and incorrectly treated due to its relative current obscurity.

It starts with one, or more, small painless sores (chancres) on or around your genitals. Now before this feature becomes regular I want to make one thing clear, sores on your genitals are never good. Ever ever ever. If you see any, even a tiny eeny weeny one, go and get it checked out immediately. Do not wait to pass go and collect £200, get to a clinic stat!

Of course, there’s a difference between an ingrowing hair and a sore, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, and you can always pick up free condoms while you’re there so it won’t be a wasted trip.

Back to the sores. So it starts out with a sore, and stupid here doesn’t notice it, or fails to get it checked. The next thing you’ll be suffering from is either a skin rash, a sore throat, and possibly tiredness and a headache. Aka what most people feel like every damn day. After this your symptoms will dissappear and you will feel well for anything up to years, however the syphilis could return, causing your face to become deformed, open sores to form on your body, and your genitals to look, well, there are pictures out there, google them if you dare.

Ironically syphilis is extremely easy to cure in the early stages, a simple shot of penicillin, and it’s gone. Avoiding it is even easier: use a condom, properly, and every time.

So remember if you see a sore on your vagina you may well be about to die from syphilis so get it checked out! Or die. It’s your choice.

Picture from Wikipedia