5. Any Serge Gainsbourg, but especially Je T’Aime

While I’m an affirmed Serge fanatic I’ve only been played this once while I was making out with someone. The guy was also a big Serge fan and after a few minutes we stopped making out, looked at each other and said “This is weird isn’t it?” and it was. It was horrible. Jane Birkin’s breathy moans and the porno bass were really distracting. They also were making me feel that we weren’t doing things right or that maybe we should be writhing more, something I’m not overly fond of. Let me sum it up thus: if two enormous Serge fans can’t make out to Serge you can’t.

4. Let’s Get It On – Marvin Gaye

If it’s just the song, I’ll let it pass because I too like to imagine I’m making out with Marvin Gaye sometimes, and let me tell you: watching this video was one of those times. However if it’s the album this just shows what a fucking poser the guy is. So he thinks he’s clever not playing Sexual Healing but unwittingly he’s stepped into a whole world of fail. The first track, ok, that’s pure sex right there, but that’s only 4 minutes worth of sexytimes. Once you move onto Please Stay (Once You Go Away) Marvin will be begging you not to leave the house, over and over again, before telling you that if he dies tonight it’ll be ok cos he shagged you on the aptly named If I Should Die Tonight. The rest of the album wavers between a hectoring tone (I need your love/Don’t make me wait/I can’t wait/I’m so impatient for your love) and disappointed anger (Sugar, how can you treat my heart/So mean and cruel). The whole album seems to you who are making out to it, like Marv whining his way into your pants and is the biggest unexpected boner killer ever. Instead go for What’s Going On because even though Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology) is a bit daft, lyrics wise, you won’t have to hear anyone moping I stood all the jealousy/All the bitchin’ too/Yes, I’d forget it all once in bed with you. Charming no?

3. Weezer – Tired of Sex

I think if someone plays this, they’re probably trying to be ‘funny’. If you like ‘funny’ men who are really ‘wacky’ and ‘kooky’, real ‘jokers’ who all their friends think are ‘hilarious’ then go right ahead. If however you’re sane, then leave. I dated this person as a teenager and I don’t want you to have to date them too. It’s not worth it.

2. Anything by Radiohead

If this his idea of sexy then you are in for a shitty time tonight.

1. Prince – The Most Beautiful Girl In The World

Run. Run so fast. Don’t stop running until you’re back home. He’s not off getting you a bottle of wine, he’s getting a knife and he’s going to kill you. Fact.
(Also a fact I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG! Oh god I really really do. I listened to it for HOURS last weekend. It’s SO FUCKING CUTE. When it came out and I was in primary school a boy bought it on single for my friend and I was so jealous. It was the most romantic thing I could imagine. Now, I find it really creepy but awesome. However I think it’s a bit full on for a first time make-out.)

Now of course there are some songs that are genuinely really really hot. These songs are few and far between and totally subjective. Once I spent hours making out to a Norah Jones album on repeat and it was perfect. However I don’t think I’ve ever listened to Norah Jones willingly before or since that day. I mean Ginuwine’s Pony is really hot but if someone played it as I was making out with them I’d probably die laughing. That said I wouldn’t kick anyone out for playing this:

Minnie Riperton -Inside My Love

So there’s moaning, the words ‘come inside me’ and a very sultry backbeat but fuck it works so well. It’s so so so beautiful. It makes me want to cry. All the youtube commenters on this video who are trying to claim it’s not about sex, but about a ‘deeper connection’ are missing the point: it’s the hottest song ever made and I don’t give a fuck if it’s about someone looking in a ladies bits with optical fibres, it’s hot. That’s it.

The Heart Has Its Reasons – Episode 1 from Vanessa Danger-Rampling on Vimeo.