As I start this post I am struck by the thought that there are those who don’t fantasise while masturbating. Sitting here, curled up in bed, with the laptop on my legs I am trying to imagine it. A dark wasteland where I just rub and rub and I don’t think of anything other than the sensations in my genitals: it is terrifying. Fantasies are a warm blanket of joy to wrap yourself in where you are a hyperflexible sex bunny who can come on the flip of a coin and where everyone is willing and amenable to your every wish, even if that wish is for them to be terribly vile to you. And it’s bliss. It’s a place where you’re always right and always good at everything, and it’s yours alone.
For a long time I thought that the best way to enjoy your fantasies was to keep them special inside your mind as though exposure to the real world would taint them somehow. Then I started blurting them out to sexual partners who were half shocked and half thrilled. When asked if I wanted to actually act on them I would gasp “No! It’s just an idea!” but then I started to wonder if it would ever be possible to do these things for real, and without the use of yoga blocks. And reader: it is. It is so possible, it is a doorway through which some of the most joyful moments of your life await you. But only if you are very careful…
1. Lower Your Expectations
Sure in your dream scenario Channing Tatum is your partner and you’re fucking on 400 thread count sheets and afterwards you shower yourself down in Tattinger while Channing watches you adoringly, but let’s take a step back. This isn’t going to happen. Not only is bathing in Tattinger wasteful, it’ll probably make your skin very sticky. You need to isolate the part of the fantasy that is most alluring: is it someone devoting all their attention and expertise upon your body? Or is it the actual feel of 400 count sheets? Figure out the core of it and focus on that, rather than the nice trimmings.
2. Plan Plan Plan
Ideally our sexiest moments would all happen by chance: drifting through a bar we chance upon a pair of beautiful women, wink, and lead them through to the VIP room, they strip down and reveal pure silk La Perla underwear, and you dance with them on a table in just your heels till the strobe lights give out. This is almost totally unlikely to happen, not simply because you need to book the VIP room in advance. To make sure you have the right people and implements at the right time in the right place is a skill. Some people will claim that it ruins the spontaneity and those people are the same people who’ll sit in the front room waiting for you to cook a three course dinner instead of helping as they don’t want to spoil the surprise. You’ll need to vet candidates for douchebaggery, their understanding of the words “No, I want to stop now”, and what they want to get out of the scene.
3. Acknowledge You Are Not The Only Person Getting Off
If your fantasy involves other people, which it almost certainly will, you need to be aware of their needs. Are they comfortable with what you would like them to do? Have you made sure this is genuine comfort not just a wish to make you happy? They might have suggestions and though you have worked on this fantasy in your head for weeks, months, or even decades, and think you don’t need any help refining it you’d be surprised how hot the ideas of others can be. Listen to the people who are getting involved and try and make sure that even if you aren’t all flopping about gasping “That was the best day of my life” you are at least all happy, spent, and not crying at the end.
4. Be Ready To Stop
You’ve lowered your expectations, planned the shit out of it move by move, chatted to the willing participants, and masturbated about the possibility of this happening till your hand is numb, and now you’re here in the moment, and suddenly you’re overwhelmed. It’s too much, it’s not how you thought it’d feel, you’re tired, ill, worried, scared. These are all legitimate feelings and you can tell everyone that you’re not having a good time and want to stop. Sometimes you might just need a cup of tea and some deep breaths before you’re consumed with a need to go back in and finish what you started, and other times you have to look at it as a practice run that went pretty well, and work on what to tweak to make yourself more comfortable next time. After all if we were good at everything the first time there’d be no excitement in life. There is no shame in calling it a day and everyone you’re with should be able to shout out when they’re uncomfortable and call for a time out.
5. Enjoy It
Look around you, savour the moment, bask in the joy of those around you, and relax. This is all for you, enjoy it!
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